Allow me to take you back to the Fall of 2001. I had just transferred to Teach Elementary School and I was getting ready for my first day of 5th grade. The first day of school is always nerve wracking, but especially so when it's a new school and you don't know any of your classmates. To make things ever more awkward I missed the connecting school bus which resulted in me showing up about an hour late. I opened the door to my new classroom and all the students turned to look at the late arriver. I nervously smiled and scanned the room looking for an open desk. Before I was able to locate a place to sit my eyes caught sight of a very pretty brunette, and there was an open desk right next to her! She gave me a kind smile so I made my way over, took a breath and thought...I think I'm going to like this school and I think I like you. In the coming months we became friends and that eventually led to the highly anticipated question (via Yahoo email): "Would you like to be my girlfriend?" Adelle and I shared a very short lived "relationship" that consisted of a couple dates, some hand holding and a climatic Christmas gift exchange where I gave her a Sum 41 CD and received a hug in return. Unfortunately I am sad to say the relationship didn't work out between us, and after she skipped 8th grade I thought my time with Adelle was over forever. Little did I know what the future actually held for that pretty brunette and myself. Welcome to our story...

Fast forward from 2001 to 2015. Ryan Cohen and I were early on in our entrepreneurial journey and were ready for our first big move, leaving California for a more business friendly state. The front runner on the list of of destinations was Lake Tahoe, CA After attending a conference in D.C. we had multiple people independently ask us if we had considered moving to Austin, TX. Since we had not even considered Texas, it seems like a sign that so many people kept bringing Austin up as a top contender to move the company to. Ryan and I decided it would be worth checking out so we booked our flights and then I looked on Facebook to see if we knew anyone who lived in Austin. One person came up....Adelle. I sent her a message and and asked "Hey, do you remember me? Ryan and I are thinking about moving to Austin, we are going to be coming out for a few days, would you be willing to show us around?" Adelle responded (she remembered me) and agreed to show us around Austin. She invited us out to a bar where she was participating in a storytelling event. We met up with her and a handful of her friends and we had a wonderful time. It was amazing to reconnect with Adelle and her friends were warm, friendly and fun to be around. Ryan and I felt welcomed and at home. I remember thinking to myself that evening how much I liked this place and the people. It just felt right. We flew back to CA excited about the new adventure that was ahead of us, but there was another feeling inside me, the tiniest of sparks, that I was trying to give meaning to.

If you know me well you know that I am not much of a planner....I do what I want and when I want (and the "when" is usually at the last minute!) It was April of 2015 and I decided, with my friend Stefan, that I wanted to go to Coachella. Unfortunately if you decide you want to go to Coachella a week before the festival there is not a lot of accommodation options available. Now, although I am not the best planner, I am pretty dang resourceful. I posted on Facebook to see if any of my friend were going to Coachella and would have extra room for Stefan and myself. I got one response, and it was from James. He, Ryan and a handful of their friends had rented an awesome house with a pool and they had a bit of extra space on an air mattresses in the living room. It turned out to be an amazing weekend. We all spent the mornings and early afternoons hanging by the pool, BBQing, sipping on tasty cocktails and having fun with the entire group. We spend every evening dancing the night away under the desert stars to our favorite bands. After the last performance on Sunday evening I checked my standby status and realized I was not going to be able to make the Monday morning flight I was planning on taking home. The only flight that had room was a red-eye flight from LAX to Austin at 1am that evening. Unfortunately, I didn't have a car, so I would need to get a ride from Palm Springs to Los Angeles if I was going to make it home. Even though it was already 10pm and everyone was exhausted from the weekend of fun, James graciously offered to make the 2 hour drive with me. I ended up making it to LAX on time and as I sat on the plane I smiled and felt overwhelmed with gratitude as I thought about how wonderful and perfect the weekend had been. But there was also this other feeling, a spark of connection, that I didn't understand. What and why was I feeling this? I was happily in a relationship back in Austin. It was a long weekend, I'm tired, I need sleep, I'm getting delusional I thought to myself. I'm sure this odd feeling will fade as soon as I wake up in Austin...I mean, he's just a friend, right? As the flight took off I closed my eyes and dozed off. I don't remember if James was in my dreams that night or not...

A couple weeks after the magical Coachella weekend James and Ryan moved out to Austin. Since they worked constantly from home as they continued to build their business they did not get out and make a lot of new friends. Because of this my group of friends became their group of friends and we all spent a lot of time together. Over the next six months or so James and I got a lot closer. Even though we were strictly just friends, there was an undeniable tension that we both thought nobody else could sense. I think we were also both excited and in denial about it at the same time. Eventually my relationship with my boyfriend came to a close. James, or our friendship, had nothing to do with it. That's at least what I told myself. A few weeks later I had two tickets to a Naughty by Nature concert that I was supposed to go to with a friend of mine, but he bailed. I reached out to James and asked him if he's like to go with me. Not surprisingly he said yes. We went out that evening and had a wonderful time together laughing, dancing and rapping along. After the show we decided that the night didn't need to be over so we went to a bar to have a nightcap and play some pinball. After a drink....or a few...we made our way upstairs to the roof level of the bar. Side note about James: Since he had moved to Austin I had never been around him when he was with another girl. In six months of being friends I had never seen him show interest in any other girls when he was around me. Also, Zach, a friend of James and Ryan, had moved out to Austin to work with them and he had been not only living with them, but also had been sharing a bed with James for the first few months. Yes, I said sharing a bed! Okay back to the story... As we continued to joke around and laugh on the rooftop of the bar somehow the subject of him and women came up. When I asked him if he was interested in any of the handful of good looking women at the bar he looked around, smiled, shrugged and said "no, not really" Given that we were in Austin and there were more than enough good looking girls in that bar, I couldn't help myself so I asked him, "are you sure you're not gay?" "What? No, I'm not gay" he replied "OK prove it then" I snarked back I should mention that when I said this I was insinuating that he approaches any of the girls that were around us and strike up a conversation. James took this comment in a completely different way. He gave me a somewhat perplexed look and smiled a bit. "OK you got it" he responded as he grabbed and pulled me in for a totally unexpected kiss! As we separated we gazed at each other. We were both excited and surprised about what just happened. That kiss led to another, and then another.... After awhile it was getting a bit late and I said that I had to get going. I got home and as I laid in bed I couldn't help but smile thinking about what had just happened. The feeling of a spark and tension had now been replaced with the feeling of butterflies. Oh my gosh, maybe this feeling is real I thought to myself.

I woke up the next morning feeling like a million bucks. I imagine I had an smile ear to ear. I couldn't believe what had happened the night before. The feeling that I had sworn was present and mutual had totally been confirmed! As I walked through the bathroom I stopped and looked at myself in the mirror. I said, out loud, "that girl is going to be my girlfriend someday!" After getting out of the shower I looked at my phone and saw that I had a text from Adelle! I got excited! I opened the text and my excitement faded quickly....it read, "Hey friend! Last night was a lot of fun, but that really can't happen again" I was a bit confused. In my opinion the previous night had been perfect, but maybe not? To be honest I was perfectly fine with whatever Adelle was saying because I now had proof that the feelings and attraction were mutual. If she wanted to pretend that there is nothing there, and wants to be "friends" that was totally fine. She could tell herself whatever she likes....I knew the truth. I still thought that she's for sure going to be my girlfriend someday. Over the next few months we did remain friends, for the most part. We had a couple of moments where she would give me a kiss or say something that was not really in alignment with "being friends." But each of those instances would be followed by some version of "that can't happen again" Each time I heard that phrase it started to carry less and less weight with me. I would think to myself, "Yeah I get it, not happening again, you got it....we'll see." Back in 2016 I was at the tail end of my blackjack career and we had one last trip planned for Memorial Day weekend in Vegas. Adelle had previously expressed interest in going on one of the card counting trips that I would talk about so I decided to invite her along. For added cover I asked her to pretend to be my girlfriend at the blackjack tables so that the pit bosses would direct their questions towards her instead of me while I was trying to keep track of the cards. There was something about her "pretending" to be my girlfriend at the tables that reignited that dormant fire between us. Over that three day trip we both truly felt like we were in a relationship. In fact, we were sitting outside of the Bellagio Hotel after one of the blackjack sessions and Adelle was sitting on my lap. A woman came up to us and asked, "oh my are you two on your honeymoon?" We laughed and responded, "oh no we are just friends!" What was different this time though was that when we returned back to Austin I didn't get a "this can't happen again" text from Adelle. Instead I got a text that read, "I know we just spent the entire weekend together, but is it bad that I want to see you again right now?" Over the next few weeks we had the most wonderful fling. We spent tons of time together and I truly felt like I was in love. All I could think about was Adelle. It was really happening!! My brother Mark was graduating high school and my mom had planned a month long family trip to Europe to celebrate. I was excited to go to Europe, but I wasn't excited to leave Austin for a month, for Adelle and I were in the middle of an exciting and fun fling. I had a layover in Phoenix on the way over to Europe so I decided to call Adelle to get clarity about if we were an official item or not. We talked and decided that we were not. This was completely fine with me, I didn't need a label, I knew there was something really real between us. The entire time I was in Europe I could not get her off my mind. I was having fun with the family, but I truly couldn't wait to get back home to see Adelle. Finally the time came for me to come home. I came back and immediately wanted to see Adelle. It was hard to get her to commit to getting together, she didn't really seem to care to? What was going on? When I left town just four weeks prior there was an unbelievable fire between us and now it's like that never happened? Did I miss something?

That four week fling with James was really fun and enjoyable. We truly didn't have a single dull moment together. We were constantly having fun, laughing and enjoying each other's company. However the fun we had together was both a blessing and a curse. I loved how James made me feel, I loved how lighthearted he always was, and I loved that he always was positive, upbeat and smiling. But throughout our short time together, I never really felt like he had the emotional depth or ability to go deep with me; to be there for me if I needed someone in my lows. This wasn't something I consciously realized in the moment, but as I've thought back on it this time period it was for sure a red flag with James that I subconsciously realized. Unfortunately, I figured that if he lacked that emotional depth, a real relationship would never be possible with him. In my mind, what we had just shared was just a fling, nothing more than that. When he left for Europe I simultaneously left my job at Bigcommerce and started a new position at a new company. I really enjoyed the new people I was working with, and one of them I was quite attracted to - we'll call him Clark. When James returned back to the States, I had already started to have a loose fling with him. As I mentioned, I didn't regard the thing between James and I to have been serious at all. When he returned I assumed we were still just friends and that was all...although I never really communicated that back to James. Over the next few months James and I were strictly just friends. What I didn't realize was that James and I were totally on different pages. And that he had a much different interpretation of what had happened between us and what it had meant. While I did have a fling going on with Clark, I still didn't want to commit to a relationship. And this lack of commitment resulted in me never sharing with James that I actually had some feelings for someone else. New Years came around that year, and James invited me on a group ski trip in Shaver Lake, CA. I thought it sounded like fun so I accepted the invitation. A bunch of our friends who were supposed to join us ended up cancelling last minute, so the trip ended up being just James, his little brother Mark, and myself. The three of us had a wonderful time together skiing, snowboarding and hanging out in the winter wonderland. The spark between James and I immediately reignited....yet again! When we returned back to Austin, we would hang out and that tension was there again. A couple weeks later he invited me to join him for the NBA All Star Weekend in New Orleans. That also sounded like fun, so I accepted. We all had a blast in New Orleans watching NBA games, eating oysters, and partying on Bourbon Street. The next week James jetted off on a 3 week trip to New Zealand. While James was gone I happened to get together with an old high school teacher of mine, Mr. Godsey, who was visiting Austin. We grabbed a bite, and over dinner catch-up my love life came up. I described how I had been in a fling with this guy over the past 9 months or so, and that I hadn't wanted to commit to him. I expressed how I wasn't sure if he was a good fit for me or not. I didn't talk about James at all. Mr. Godsey gave me some great perspective and told me that it wasn't fair for me not to give Clark a chance. Unknown to James, who was over in New Zealand, I made a decision to give Clark a chance and actually commit to a relationship with him. James was wasn't boyfriend material, and Clark was.

While I was over in New Zealand I was thinking about Adelle most of the time. It was like a replay of how I felt when I was over in Europe the previous year. The spark was for sure back after being dormant for most of the last 8 months. I felt optimistic once again that I was going to be with Adelle eventually, and most likely really soon! I got back from New Zealand and Adelle asked me to go do dinner with her. I showed up, excited to see her and expecting to continue where we had left off, but was met with an unexpected, crushing surprise. She told me that she had realized that she has been very averse to commitment over the past couple years and it was finally time for her to make a choice. She told me that she was choosing to explore a relationship with this other guy Clark and that her and I actually had to be friends, and just friends. For real this time. Now I know I had heard something similar previously but this time this was significantly different. She was choosing to date someone, and it wasn't me. Adelle had actually never told me before this that her and this guy had even had any type of relationship outside of being friends. I had assumed there was maybe something going on there that was casual, but I never had any proof nor had Adelle confirmed it. My heart dropped as she delivered this news. I didn't know how to respond. I was hurt. I was confused. I was crushed. All I could think was, "Since when was she interested in dating anyone?" The last time I had asked her if she was interested in a relationship was before I left for Europe and she had made it clear she was not interested in being any relationship with anyone. I vividly remember going home that night and lying in bed for hours looking out over the city lights replaying the conversation over and over. How could I have misread this situation so badly? How could something feel this right and actually be wrong? After a couple days of sulking I decided these negative thoughts weren't serving me so I needed to get them out of my head. The way I like to do that is by writing letters to myself just to get the thoughts out of my head and onto paper. I grabbed some paper and just started writing. About an hour later I had five full pages written acknowledging to myself how deeply I actually felt about Adelle, how I never made those feelings clear to her or anyone else, how I regretted my missteps and how angry I was with myself. Upon finishing I was emotionally exhausted, but I felt at peace. It worked. I re-read the letter and as I did this I thought to myself I need to give this to her. If I really want to get this off my chest and move on I need her to know this is how I've actually felt all along. Until I do that I am going to be holding in anger, pain and regret. It took awhile to build up the courage to actually text her and let her know I wanted to give her something, but eventually I did it. I dropped the letter off and told her not to read it until I was gone. As soon as I dropped that letter off I felt so much better. Everything was out in the open now. I could finally move forward without any regret. In the months to follow Adelle and I actually remained friends, for the first time in a long time. There was no suggestive flirting, no tension, just friends. She was in a relationship and I totally respected that. Clark was a really awesome guy and they seemed very happy together. A pretty girl we'll call Jane moved in next door to me. We hit it off right away, she was super cool. I finally felt clear about my feelings and felt ready to explore something new. It was time to move on, finally....

Ok, so there was good and bad news. Good news: I had made a choice. I had committed to a relationship. With Clark. Bad news: The reason I had chosen to give Clark a chance, and not James, was because I had though that James lacked the emotional capacity I needed in a relationship. Unfortunately, when I read the letter he gave me all of my theories about what he was lacking went out the window. He was capable of being vulnerable. He was capable of getting real - when necessary. Shit. What was I supposed to do now? I decided I wasn't going to flip flop again. I was going to give Clark the chance that he deserved. As the months passed I started to feel like I may had made a mistake. I loved Clark, and he was truly a great guy, but something was just different when I had been with James. It made it even worse now that I knew what he was capable of emotionally. My feeling of regret only intensified when James started seeing his neighbor. Not only were we not together but he was now with someone else. I was afraid I had missed my chance at anything more than friendship. Soon I decided I needed to end things with Clark. It just didn't feel totally right and I didn't want to string him along any further. I asked James to go to dinner with me and I told him I had broken up with Clark. I came clean and told him that I had made a mistake. I told him, for the first time, that the only reason I didn't see myself dating him previously was because I didn't think he had the ability to go deep with me emotionally. I also told him that my concern about that had been totally alleviated when he gave me his letter. I told him I could see myself in relationship with him now. We had a wonderful dinner and conversation. There was no call to action. I just needed to tell him how I felt...much like he had done with me when he gave me the letter he wrote. A few days later James broke things off with Jane. He told her everything about how he had previously had a relationship with me, and how there had just a different level of connection and feeling. Now that we were both out of our relationships, we finally felt as though we could give each other the chance I had been reluctant to give for the past year and a half. Even though this felt 100% right for the first time ever, I still was worried how Clark would perceive me hopping out of our relationship and into one with James so quickly. Nothing ever happened between James and I while I was in relationship with Clark, but he had picked up on the energy between us and was always suspicious of James. Because of this, I told James that I didn't want to make our relationship public until some time had passed. The next week I jetted off to Australia for a Tony Robbins seminar called Date With Destiny. During this seminar there are two entire days that are committed to relationships. Tony had an intervention with a woman in the seminar who had a long history of being half in half out of every relationship she had ever been in. She would string guys along, never fully commit, and then would leave them. Tony tore into her about how selfish that was to the men she dated. He told her she gets to make a choice - whether to stay with her current partner or leave him, once and for all. He had her pull her phone out and call this man, in front of the entire room, and decide whether she was in or out of the relationship. She ended up breaking up with him. Tony then looked around the room and said... who else has commitment issues and needs to borrow her courage to make a call? I realized I was literally doing the exact same thing with James. He had just left his relationship to be with me and I still didn't want to commit publicly. He had been so patient for so long, I wasn't going to do this anymore. I called him and when he answered I told him, "I decided, you are my man. You are my boyfriend. It's official!!"