Wedding Party
Chris Walker
Groomsman
Introducing Chris Walker, the real-life Ron Swanson of our wedding party, whose idea of a balanced breakfast is a shot of whiskey and a hamburger charred beyond recognition. Chris’s robust opinions on pineapple on pizza and government conspiracies are as legendary as his collection of firearms, and his “dry January” wasn’t so much a lifestyle choice as it was a medical necessity. He is the brother to the bride and spirit animal to anyone who believes capitalism is just a ‘friendly debate’ away from perfection. If he hands you a cigar, it’s not just an offer to smoke; it’s an invitation into the complex, fascinating, and slightly terrifying world of Chris Walker.
Julian Wills
Groomsman
Meet Julian, the de facto dad of our festival squad, whose dance moves have enough energy to power a small village's electric grid (he once hit 40,000 steps from one day at a music festival). He crafts playlists with the kind of focus a cat gives a laser pointer—intense, but easily distracted by the next shiny tune. His legendary attention to detail means we’re always at the right stage at the right time, even if it's just for a mediocre DJ set he swears will change our lives. At the wedding, brace yourselves for Julian to take over the dance floor, showing off moves that scream, 'I think this is how you floss, right?' He's the life of the party, proving you don't need rhythm when you've got confidence—and a playlist longer than the reception.
Tim Weidinger
Groomsman
In a world of flavor and spice, Tim boldly goes where no one else dares—straight to the plain bagel. It’s not just a breakfast choice; it’s a lifestyle. Amidst his family’s wealth, mention ‘inheritance,’ and Tim’s mind leaps not to his trust fund but to the elegant hierarchies of his latest coding project (that’s a coding joke). He’s the guy who’ll invent an app to streamline movie night, only to have it unanimously select the one movie nobody wants to watch. At the wedding, Tim will be the one on the dance floor bringing the same level of enthusiasm as he does to his breakfast choices—minimal, but in such a nice way, you can’t help but appreciate his presence.
Craig Saphire
Groomsman
Meet Craig Saphire, the kind of guy who thought “The Wolf of Wall Street” was a how-to documentary. Craig’s approach to life is like his approach to a buffet - he tries a little bit of everything and somehow ends up with a plate full of questionable decisions. If adventure had a name, it would probably ask Craig to chill out a bit. So, as we gather to celebrate Amanda’s and Josh’s wedding, let’s raise a glass to Craig - the man who will make this wedding feel like a sequel to “The Hangover.” Remember, if you’re sitting next to him, congratulations or apologies in advance - we’re not quite sure which.
Dave Aldarondo
Best Man
Meet Dave Aldarondo, the best man too busy to write his own bio, and whose career is so technical that chatting with him about his job is like trying to read the terms and conditions of the latest iOS update—nobody really gets it, so we all just nod in agreement. Dave’s known Josh since they were in high school, since before they even started drinking. But if you talk to him at the wedding, he might mention that he’s been sober for several years. Don’t let him fool you… he’s been so drunk on the Apple Kool-Aid that he’s even made Siri uncomfortable. Seriously, if Apple released a product called ‘iBreath,’ Dave would be first in line, explaining how it’s revolutionized the way he inhales. He even went out and got a ketamine prescription because Apple told him to “think different”. On a more positive note, we are excited (but mostly relieved) to announce that after being on a free trial for FIFTEEN. YEARS. he finally decided to upgrade his girlfriend subscription to the “marriage tier”. Despite being first in line for every new Apple product launch, Dave approaches relationships like most people approach getting a new phone —wait as long as possible or until your friends start making fun of you before upgrading. Here’s to Dave, whose life is as rich and multifaceted as the many books he devours—may his updates continue to be revolutionary.
Haley Lerner
Officiant
Haley is known for sermons that make you want to be a better person and her ability to see the silver lining in a dumpster fire. She is also a certified crazy cat lady and a Swiftie, with enough trivia knowledge to write Taylor’s next album. Amanda and Haley’s friendship has survived since the age of braces, bonding during countless sleepovers in a basement that could best be described as a horse stable, which is exactly what it was modeled after. Haley would have been a bridesmaid, but she chose to upgrade to officiant - apparently “Get Ordained” was next on her list, right after “Learn Every Taylor Swift Song on Ukulele.” Haley and her wife, Darya, were also recently married as of March 16th 2024. So Amanda and Josh will take this space to wish them both nothing but love, light, happiness, and health for both them and their many, many pets.
Rebecca Wai
Maid of Honor
Ask Rebecca what she dreamed of becoming as a kid, and you’ll learn about her aspiration to be a 444 pound yellow duck, complete with raincoat, perched in a tree. Her crazy dreams are part of the reason Amanda befriended her, the other half being her Espeon figurine, which matched perfectly with Amanda’s Umbreon figurine. Today, Rebecca is now Dr. Wai, slightly less feathery but still equally impressive. Back in the days of jailbreak dread, Amanda and Rebecca were both consistently picked last and could therefore usually be found at the back of the line, plotting their snack break. Amanda is eternally grateful to Rebecca for always enduring the trenches with her. Meow <3
Emily Kirsh
Maid of Honor
Emily’s and Amanda’s origins involved clandestine meetings in a classroom closet, bonding over their glowing Piakchus, which in hindsight should really be the start to a Disney movie, which would have been appropriate, given Emily’s doctorate-level knowledge on the subject. Emily’s love affair with Disney has only grown, compelling her to move closer to the House of Mouse, making ‘The Happiest Place on Earth’ her official address. As a flight attendant, Emmy’s life is best described as a nonstop episode of “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego,” but with frequent pit stops to admire the latest BTS-themed merchandise. And, if you can’t find Emily on the dance floor tonight, you’ll most likely be able to find her and Amanda one shot deep into a bottle of tequila, belting out an operatic rendition of “A Whole New World.”
Bryan Malecky
Bridesman
Bryan is the resident champagne connoisseur who lives by the motto, “Why use a glass when the bottle will do?” Best known for his rare talent of simultaneously coasting and excelling through Cornell’s engineering and business programs, Bryan’s job is now so classified, his inability to divulge leads Amanda to suspect that his job is actually an endless party at the Ritz Carlton. Rumor has it that Bryan is on the fast track to retire while the rest of us are still puzzling out what a 401K is. Amanda’s friend group’s retirement plan is called “Bryan’s Generosity,” and we look forward to racing our wheelchairs around some retirement village together someday. Despite his sarcasm, Bryan’s the kind of guy that will always ensure your glass is full, making him a true VIP anywhere he goes.